He's a weak d**k and your a piece of s**t in a human suit.What to do when your marriage is falling apart due to an affair?
If you are not in love with him, why did you choose to remain married while you were having the affair for 3 years for goodness sake.
Were you using him? Was he just the convenient husband, feeding you and putting a roof over your head?
Well, if you can find out why you didn't leave him then, then possibly your marriage still have a chance.
Maybe you thought he wasn't trying hard enough or maybe it was the trhill of being in a secret relationship that was giving you a buzz.
So, well, you can't string him along any more; This is a very selfish thing to do to someone.
Have you considered that you've been destroying him? What about his self confidence, What about his self esteem?
The longer you play with him, the worse he's going to feel, the more difficult he'll be able to move on.
So, either you decide to give your marriage a chance and remain focused, or you can't and leave this poor guy to move on with his life.
Surely you can't hate him to the point where you enjoy seeing him in pain of not knowing how you feel about him? Or how unsecure he must be feeling.
eh break up then.
well i am in the same situation well infact she left me had an abortion , then got pregnate again ran away with my kids i am in iraq and this is what i have to deal with nevertheless i have been here for 13 months and have not talked to them once so you left him go be with the one you cheted ewith misery loves company and reflect on all the good times you had together besides the sex and then ask youself is it worth it , by that tim you have lost your best friend
He still loves you too. Thats why hes hurting. You have to give him time to get over it and be patient about it. You hurt him, its easy for you to get past. If you haven't been on the other side of this, trust me,it hurts alot. You need to get the other guy out of your life. That is a hinderance that stops you from truly being there for your husband and loving him. If you love him and want to stay by your commitment that you made when you married him, you will dump the sideline guy and do your best to help your husband through his pain and mistrust for you now and work on your marriage together.
Suffer the consequences.
Your headed for a divorce because you didn't keep your marriage vows. You are now officially an adulterer and a cheat you must be be very pleased with yourself. I'm sure your family and friends will be happy too. Then you have to ask yourself what type of man helps another mans wife cheat I'm sure he's a fine upstanding person of good morals. Your going to find out that life has a way of paying you back when you do wrong just don't look surprised when it happens......
I think it is obvious you are not ';in love'; so that is in no way fair to your mate or yourself.
I went through the same thing and went back with my husband and the reality soon hit that no matter what I did including moving states away I just could not get the other man out of my head and slowly it just consumed me.
Do yourself and him a favor and be truthful to him about how you feel.
Your husband has not been able to regain the trust he had in you and you have to admit he has a not right to. Once trust is broken, especially in a marriage, it takes a lot of work and time to make the one whos hearts been broken to recover. You were very clear and stated you no longer are IN love with him and fell in love with someone else. Whether or not that person is 100% out of your life, you should not continue to hurt the man you married by making him believe you want to be with him. You may feel obligated but believe me you aren't doing him any favors by deciding to stay with him. I don't understand why anyone would stay when clearly they aren't truly happy and know they could be with someone else or even by themselves. Having feelings for the man you walked down the aisle with is natural but have enough love for him to admit that you won't be able to talk him or yourself into believing you staying married is the right thing to do. If after a year he's still just as hurt maybe he already knows it. Do what'll make you both happy in the long run. I know divorce is probably the last thing you'd want to resort to but it is true that sometimes love fades and people change. The fact that you are in touch with how you feel is admirable. Feelings you used to have are no longer there and the certificate of marriage shouldn't bind you two to live miserably forever. Life is too short. Do what you feel is right...good luck.
It's only been a year. I'd expect him to keep beating you over the head with it for at least the length of the affair.
Suck it up and go for the divorce. You really do know what you want to do, but you don't want to face it.
Personally I would be torn. Part of me would want to keep your cheatin' butt close to me so I could continue to mentally torment you into a nervous breakdown. Part of me would want to kick your sorry butt to the curb.
you play,you pay.It's time to pay the piper.
Let your husband go and you pay the price.
You had the affair,not him.
The only reason you say ';you love him but are not in love with him'; is because you need him financially but that's all.
You are not in love with your husband so you shouldn't stay married. You knew that for the three years that you had an affair. I think you are afraid to face what is unknown to you and stay because you know what to expect in your safe zone with your husband. If you are in love with this other man then you should go to him! I am saying this in a sincere way because you know you cannot give what your husband needs from you. By setting him free you give him the chance for someone to be truly in love with him and accept him for who he is! If you keep putting things off you may lose the man who you are in love with because you can't expect him to wait forever for you to make a choice. 3 years is a long time to put yourself through all this emotional stress and you know that you cannot continue this way for things to ever be right for all concerned. You cannot stay with someone out of guilt or because they don't want you to go....but emotionally you know you are already gone! You are the one that is going to have to find the courage and strength to end it because your husband is not going to make that choice for you. You know what you have to do here and you know what is morally right. Don't ever give up yourself for anyone else and cut yourself short. Look at your situation and know that this is as good as its ever going to get and only you can change it! Know that you are who you are in the things that make you happy not in the things that make you sad.
You need to just let him go to find the love that he deserves! Get a divorce, there is no saving this relationship, it's already too late! How long were you married before starting the affair? I'm guessing probably not too long. Of course he's gonna keep bringing up the past! you obviously hurt him pretty bad, but it also seems as if he wants to hold onto something that is no longer there and you are being selfish to keep him holding onto that false hope! Just file for divorce and go and be with your lover, whom you fell in love with. I don't think that you loved your husband when you started being a ho with another man! ';I love him, but I'm not in love'; that just really irritates me when women like you say stuff like this to justify your actions! If you aren't in love with him just let him go to find someone that will fall in love with him and not treat him like the way you have, no one deserves to be treated like that. I wonder how he found out about the affair? If he was smart he would've left you already and moved on with his life! What makes him think that the two of you can still be together, does he really think that you are gonna end your affair? I don't think so! and I really don't care if I get thumbs down for this cuz you are just a Wh*re who couldn't be with just one man and had to go and find greener pastures! I hope that you didn't break up more than just your family because of your selfishness!!
Can you blame your husband he is hurt with you and just because you are going to couseling that doesn't mean he has forgotten how you betrayed him.
If you're not in love with him then you should let him go so he can find happiness somewhere else because you're not making him happy by being in love with someone else for the past 3 years.
Your marriage ended 3 years ago when you started seeing that other man and fell for him. Your husband stays with you because he must be in love with you but the door is supposed to swing both ways.
Be careful what comes around goes around and in the end you might not have either man and be left old alone and unhappy. Think about it.
let me tell you something, in this moment of me life aim going true the same situation that you spouse and i understand him. honey be with somebody for 3 years is not a affair .remember counseling don't go to work if you are not in love with him .be live me every day since that happens i look inside of my mind try to found something that make me justified him for what he done to me and i cant found nothing so that why probably he bring back what you did to him every time. so you don't have to live with. and remember we are owner of our Owen actions
Men are far less forgiving than women. I'd cut him loose for his sake. You aren't doing him any favors by remaining.
Why haven't you told him that you are not in love with him and cut him loose to find the love that he deserves! It's only fair that you give him his freedom. You have retained all the power in the relationship by not telling him this. You have been very, very selfish.
Then you need to get professional (PhD, psychologist/ psychatric) individual therapy to understand why you chose to marry your husband in the first place.
Often the problems we have in marriage isn't due to 'marriage' it's due to the fact we packed our bags pretty tight with personal impairments before we went on our life long journey of marriage. Get a professional to help you empty your 'baggage' and figure out what you have rotting in there!
May I also suggest if your husband is so gung-ho about saving this marriage, he find out what kind of crap he packed?
Doesn't look like he'll ever forget ir or forgive you. This is no way to keep a relationship alive, and he should know that he's being incoherent by asking you to remain together and yet bringing up the past on every chance he gets. You will not be able to rebuild what you had...... so I think it'd be more healthy to just let go.... move on with your lives and learn from your mistakes. That's the best thing I can advice.
Why stay with a man you are not in love with? You were probably not in love with him when you began the affair or it never would have happened.
Counseling will not help. It won't convince you that you love your husband. You know you don't.
It would be best for you both if you ended it.
man, i hate to be rude... but you broke your vows. your husband loves you, but can't trust you yet if ever again. if you can't deal with that or you think you would ever want to get into another relationship then you need to leave your marriage.
DAISY,
I CAN'T AND DON'T WANT TO REPRESENT MEN IN GENERAL BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE SITUATION IF I PUT MYSELF IN YOUR PARTNER'S SHOES YOU'RE HISTORY. YOU ONLY CARE FOR HIM AS A HUMAN BEING. IF YOU REALLY LOVED HIM, YOU WOULDN'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD HARM HIM IN ANYWAYS. YOU STATED YOU LOVE HIM, RIGHT? HERE'S THE LAYOUT:
DO YOU EVER THINK OF HIM WHEN YOU WERE IN THE OTHER MAN ARMS?
WHEN YOU LET THE OTHER MAN RODE YOU, WHEN YOU DEEPTHROATED THE OTHER DUDE C0CK IN YOU MOUTH, WHEN THE OTHER GUY SQUIRTED ALL HIS JUICE ALL OVER YOU FACE AND SLOWLY ROLLED DOWN YOUR LIPS AND YOU SPITTED OUT AND IT STARTED TO DRIP DOWN YOUR TITIES. AND YOU KEPT GIVE THE OTHER GUY YOUR LUSTED LOOK AND ASKED FOR MORE OF THOSE BANGS FROM BEHIND AND ALL THOSE TIME YOU WERE MOANED WHEN THE OTHER GUY POUNDED YOUR BRAND MUFFIN AND YOU FELT LIKE YOUR AGE OF INNOCENT BEGUN TO COMEBACK. THAT'S WHY YOU LIVED AS SOMEONE ELSE'S BIT'CH FOR 3 YEARS WITHOUT ANY REMORST...SORRY IF I'VE HURT YOUR FEELING IF I TYPED TO EXPLICIT...QLKM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are a true b!tch, in the true definition of the word!
You should leave him, you don't want to be there. It's only going to get worse and you're not making it any better staying when you really want to leave. You can love a person and not be with them. If you leave, don't cheat on the next man you get. You started this mess, now you're trying to get out of it without getting your hands dirty. Clean the mess up before you leave.
One year is not enough for him to be completely healed emotionally. You betrayed him for 3 years, that's a lot to have to come to terms with. Most counselors experienced with this type of emotional trauma give about a two year period to really reach a state of healing.
You used a current tense when you referred to your affair, ';I've been seeing someone';. So, if the affair is still going on, then how do you expect him to be past this. Maybe it was just a mistype on your part. But, if you are continuing the contact with the affair partner, your marriage has no chance to heal.
So many betrayed spouses have heard that phrase ';I love you, but I'm NOT in love with you'; as a justification for an affair.
So, your choices
Commit fully to rebuilding your marriage, continue counseling, find a new counselor if the one you have is not effective. Read books, find a marriage seminar to help you rebuild your feelings for your husband, Learn how to meet each others emotional needs.
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/…
Or, end the marriage. File for divorce and let your husband go. Be open about your wanting out.
Resources
A few good books:
';Not Just Friends'; by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/affairstal…
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/...
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html...
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/...
The surviving infidelity site has a board for the former wayward spouse to get advice, support.
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
The reason he probably can't forgive you is because he knows that you're not in love with him and can never be trusted. You already know what to do. You already chose to have an affair and you chose to fall in love with another man. The only thing you haven't chosen to do yet is go to an attorney's office and file for divorce. What's keeping you?
Do you enjoy torchuring your husband?
First of all, you will never be in love with your husband if you are still seeing this other person a year after your husband found out. Face it, you have deep emotions for the man you had a 3 year affair with. As long as he is in your life, you will not be in love with your husband. It is like putting a drug in front of a drug addict and telling them to keep clean.
It takes a good 1 to 4 years for a spouse to really get over an affair; especially one that was the length of yours. He feels betrayed, deceived and like a complete fool for believing in you. It was the death of the marriage he thought he had with you. Death takes quite a while to get over.
I'm not in love, but love him. That is contradictory. If you love someone you love them and are in love with them. I am tired of hearing that saying. You both allowed your marriage to become one of friendship rather than passion, desire and care. You both need to look at each day; not the past and build your future based on from this day forward. Forgive yourself, allow him to heal completely and get back to that point when you were 'in love'. The future is in your and his hands.
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